2020 has been a really interesting year so far. Like, there’s so much to talk about but no one really wants to talk about it. And that’s fine with me. I’m eluding the big 2020 topic and I sigh with relief as I do so. We’re just gonna skip that part of the craziness. (I hear the majority of you happily sighing with me 😉
So onto a different topic…God amidst my 2020…
I have been feeling down lately, but spiritually oppressed is a more accurate description. It happens at night. A heaviness weighs on me before sleeping and it is so thick I can barely breathe. After praying fervently for a while, the fears and uncertainties will fall away enough so I can sleep.
I think the lack of being with my church and my friends has really got to me. I need people. I call myself an introvert but really I’m in the middle. I need people to recharge as much as I need God, books, and kitties to recharge. My Christian friends encouraged me so much before isolation and not having that for several months has really put a damper on my spiritual growth. I know I can grow on my own with God but having those relationships with other believers and seeing them face to face and praying with them is what really encourages me. God knows I need people as much as every other Christian does. That’s one of the reasons the church exists. Believers need to mingle. (hehe…mingle is such a funny word. But funny is a funny word too…)
Even with the lack of social interaction, God has still managed to uplift me. (He’s pretty great at doing that. Simple things bring me to tears and I wonder “What am I doing? Why am I not praising You every moment of every day?”)
I am awed and bewildered. God has taken hold of me even amidst the craziness of 2020. He’s shown me joy and answers to prayers in ways I couldn’t have imagined. My nights have been better. I have been able to stay in contact with cousins and friends electronically and there is a delight in conversing with people you know. Restrictions have lessened so there is some social interaction made in person now which is a blessing. I can breathe now. Thank you Jesus.
After returning back from college last December, my love for home is all the more beautiful. How I missed home! Being around family and church and the farm…God is good. I feel so blessed. I mourn for those who don’t have the riches I do. How much we take our simple American pleasures for granted!
As summer begins to heighten, I look to Jesus for guidance as my path seems so unknown.
“Where are you taking me Lord? I truly love being home. I don’t feel strong enough to go back to college. I don’t really want to go back. I enjoyed the learning but is that where you want me?
Are there people there only I can reach with Your Hope?
And what of the good friends I have here? Must I leave them behind…again?
All I want is to be a home school mom with a family, a house, a garden, chickens, and cats. I want to stay in Alaska and be your servant to the broken people all around me. I don’t need go to college to do that do I?”
My thoughts have been in a tangle. 2020 has launched me into a new atmosphere of decisions, if you can’t already tell. I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have so many things I want to do but I’m so torn on what is God’s will for me. I know He gave me these passions and talents and I know He means for me to use them in some way to glorify Him. I just don’t know what. *insert shrug here and wistful expression.*
I realize this post is a jumbled mess but I kind of needed to get my thoughts out in the order they came to mind. If you made it this far, I’m proud of you because I have basically zero editing skills.
In essence, this post is a request for prayer. I would appreciate prayers for guidance and peace about my future. It is very daunting. Exciting, but daunting. 🙂